Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
