i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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