i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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