I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
