At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
