If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
