i don't like sucking hair
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
