i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
