How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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