I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
