Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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