We got so high we made milksteak
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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