At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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