She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
