Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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