Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
