I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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