I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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