Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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