he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
