Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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