My sheets look like a crime scene.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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