I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
