You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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