All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Someone shit on the floor
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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