Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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