My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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