I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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