He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
