I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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