Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
