i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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