I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
