dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
