Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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