i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
