Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
