Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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