so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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