How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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