So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
