Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
