Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
