Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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