my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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