can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
