I wish my penis had an off switch
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
