I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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