You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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