no, he came in my armpit
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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