Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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