my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
