He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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