dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
