I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
